The Wolverine

Have you seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Don’t bother. I have seen some pretty gnarly 20 minute edits out there but it is a largely unforgettable outing. I can’t wait to make a masterpiece with that pile, The Wolverine and Kate & Leopold. “Why does Wolverine have a British accent in some scenes?” my friends will ask and I will respond with “Just wait until I slap in scenes from the Tony Awards!”. Despite that mess, Hugh Jackman has a deal with the Robot Devil to be Wolverine every 2 years so here we go.

Following the events of …sigh…X-Men: The Last Stand, Logan/Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is racked with guilt over being forced to kill the woman he loved, Jean Grey (Famke Janssen).  He’s resolved to put away his claws, and live in the wilderness.  His self-imposed exile is interrupted when the dying Yashida (Hal Yamanouchi), a man Logan saved during World War II, wants to say good-bye to his savior in person.  Reluctantly, Logan travels to Japan to honour the old man’s request, but falls into a web of intrigue when his healing power is stolen from him by the confusing scientist/mutant Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova), and he must “protect” Yashida’s granddaughter, Mariko (Tao Okamoto), from shadowy forces. A 120 million dollar Kurosawa movie ensues.

I’m not going to bother because a friend of mine said it all.

http://endparentheses.wordpress.com/2013/07/27/the-wolverine/

As you can tell, I don’t know how to insert a link properly but care just as much to learn as I did watching The Rovarrine. Sound it out and it’s racist.

There is a post credits scene that sets up next summers X-Men: Days of Futures Past that really gets the nerd juices flowing until the payoff is the worst stage direction and blocking I have ever seen. There is nothing more suspenseful then a wheelchair crossing a huge room dramatically while zig zagging.

THE BEST:  How many times can I make the joke about how “cut” Jackman is?

THE WORST: Viper? Really?!? Was Dazzler too much of a stretch to jam in there instead?

THE LINE: “Trust me, bub, you don’t want what I got.” –Logan

THE FINAL: 2 out of 5. Seen it all before. Hugh Jackman will get my money NO LONGER!

-Rob-
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World War Z

World War Z is a collection of individual accounts, wherein author Max Brooks plays the role of an agent of the United Nations Postwar Commission ten years after the story’s Zombie War. Other passages record a decade-long war against zombies, as experienced by people of various nationalities. The personal accounts also describe the social, political, religious and environmental changes that resulted from the war. None of that is in the movie. Here we go.

The story revolves around former United Nations investigator Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt), who traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments and threatening to decimate humanity itself. Where in the world is Carmen Zombiego ensues.

This ain’t the book. If you are a fan of Max Brooks then you have to get over the fact that they gave him a small pile of money for the title alone. Yes it is strange but I guess it happens all of the time, just look at the way the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep became Transformers. Mystifying. How does a big budget zombie movie starring Brad Pitt get made in the first place? Easy, Brad Pitt needed something for a tax shelter so his company bought the film rights and he put himself in there to recoup some of his cash so he could feed his 17 kids.

There hasn’t been a zombie movie with the blockbuster budget of World War Z, and that’s a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, it allows director Marc Forster to create some exciting set pieces with a sense of scale we’ve never seen in the genre before.  Despite whiffing on the action in his previous flick, Quantum of Solace, Forster has delivered the best aspect of World War Z by expertly balancing the overwhelming horde of the undead with the tight-quarters and in-close chases that are a staple of the fast-moving zombies made popular in 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead.  However, unlike those films, Forster has to make the concession almost every blockbuster has to make: a PG-13 rating.  Forster’s zombies are visually tame, and there’s admittedly no guessing the twisted logic and archaic standards of the MPAA ratings board. Nevertheless, it’s still somewhat odd that a basic cable show like The Walking Dead can take their gore so much further than anything seen in Forster’s movie.

The majority of the run-time sees Pitt and an assortment of sidekicks facing down “Zeke” in a familiar array of bunkers, apartment blocks and labs. While it’s all handled with skill and the actors sell the fear, it feels like a slight gyp, especially when the climax of the movie — which was reshot months after filming was completed and at great expense — is on a smaller scale than the third act of Shaun Of The Dead. There is also more than one cringe worthy moment, like the bit where Gerry, a highly trained covert operative, forgets to put his phone on silent while running a stealth mission.

The whole thing feels like a studio dipping its toe in the water: the wrapping-up line, “This isn’t the end… not even close,” makes it clear that there are plans for further instalments, should there be money up for grabs. In the meantime, this just about succeeds on its own merits. Few of the characters are memorable (Mireille Enos has the snooziest part as Mrs. Lane, and Matthew Fox barely registers as a paratrooper), but there’s imagery here that’s genuinely horrifying — not the least a plane sequence which sets off claustrophobia and showcases how to land a plane full of zombies with an incendiary device.

If you can’t get over the fact that World War Z is nothing like the book then you should check out the audiobook. Max Brooks made it in the hopes that it would be the last word on his work. Nathan Fillion, Simon Pegg and Mark Hamill are just a few of the great actors that lend their voice to it. Just don’t fall asleep on an empty bus at night while listening to it because you can become a target for bus rape suuuuper quickly.

THE BEST:  Brad Pitt kicks names and takes ass. He throws a grenade in a fudging airplane!

THE WORST: Is the cast “international” or is it “cost-effective” ? One of the answers makes you a racist.

THE LINE: “I got some of it in my mouth.” –Gerry

THE FINAL: 3 out of 5. Not great but good. World War Z is going to get my DVD money no matter what I think about it. My standards are all over the place…

-Rob-

Man of Steel

I own 5 Superman movies on DVD and Blu Ray and I hate Superman. That should tell you that I worked at a movie store and I’m horrible with money. I just can’t relate to a God-like figure that no one can defeat and who’s greatest nemesis is a rich, bald dude who is clearly into Superman sexually. With Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder attached to Man of Steel I had hope for some gritty realism and explosions. I got beat over the head with both.

Krypton is about to die, but the world’s chief scientist Jor-El (Russell Crowe) has built a rocket for his son Kal-El to travel to Earth.  The infant Kal-El is imbued with the planet’s codex, which contains all of Krypton’s knowledge, in particular the ability to craft the species’ eugenics.  General Zod (Michael Shannon) attempts a coup and tries to get the codex, but is apprehended and dumped into the phantom zone along with his goons.  Krypton explodes, Kal-El reaches Earth safely, is found and raised as “Clark Kent” by Jonathan (Kevin Costner) and Martha Kent (Diane Lane), but with the twist that Pa Kent wants Clark to hide his powers for fear the world will reject him.  The adult Kal-El (Henry Cavill), eventually discovers his true origin, and then has to defend our planet when Zod discovers that the Last Son of Krypton is on Earth. Aliens ensue.

I didn’t love Man of Steel but I certainly didn’t hate it either. Firstly, this was a straight up sci-fi flick, not a comic book movie. If you took the Superman costume out then it would have been a first contact piece that you could have slapped Liam Neeson in there and maybe scored big dollars off of some of that sweet Neeson juice. Coming in at a heavy 143 minutes, Man of Steel is a tough watch with constant flashbacks and jarring start and stop editing that must have been hell in post production much like watching the first 40 minutes.

I give director Zack Snyder full credit for doing the best he could with Chris Nolan whispering “the music should just go BWWAAAAHHH every 3 minutes instead of having a score” and Warner Bros jamming Batman Begins down his throat and blankly saying “Batman made money…make Batman”. I am embarrassed to admit that I’m a 70% Zack Snyder fan, his movies aren’t for everyone but every toolbox needs a hammer that moves in slow motion while half-naked.

The most painful aspect of Man of Steel had to be the shotgun acting by the entire cast. Henry Cavill was heroic but Michael Shannon was cartoonish and lispy. Kevin Costner was wooden while Russel Crowe was dignified and believable. Amy Adams was there as well. Just all over the place.

The tinkering of Superman’s mythology is probably the strongest aspect of Man of Steel. While striving for realism, they managed to win me over by killing most of my long-standing issues with the character and his world. A crazy power set? Well defined, NEXT! Trying to keep a secret identity with only a pair of glasses while surrounded by reporters? Still hard to swallow but satisfyingly explained. Red undies?!?! GONE! Don’t be an asshole, those things made less sense than heat vision.

Man of Steel has great dialogue, charm and a brisk pace…in the final 10 minutes. Wow, but what a ride that last 10 minutes is.

THE BEST:  Immortals sucked but not because of Henry Cavill, that dude is a Superman. That’s not funny.

THE WORST: Kev Costner is basically Harry Potters foster parents.

THE LINE: (punches Zod) “YOU THINK YOU CAN THREATEN MY MOTHER?!?!” –Superman

THE FINAL: 2 out of 5. Batman Begins without the great performances and humour. At least, unlike Superman Returns, this Superman punches mother fuckers in the face instead of being a dead beat dad.

-Rob-

The ABC’s of Death

I stumble down some pretty crappy holes on the internet from time to time. Well this is was one of those times.

Producers Ant Timpson (creator of the Incredibly Strange Film Festival) and Tim League (head of the Alamo Drafthouse chain) invited 26 directors from around the world to participate in a special horror anthology. Each director was given a letter of the alphabet and asked to pick a word, shoot a brief 3-5 minute short on a budget of $5,000 and then go nuts. With 26 short films at a total running time of 130 minutes (including opening and closing credits), that doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for a plot. Basically, these short pieces of celluloid are expansions of whatever word the directors chose to bring to visual life. Some of these are more successful than others, but again, the parameters don’t allow for much in the way of clarity or flexibility.

     A is for Apocalypse (directed and written by Nacho Vigalondo)

A man is sitting and eating in bed, when a woman sneaks into his room and clumsily attempts to stab him.

     B is for Bigfoot (directed and written by Adrian Garcia Bogliano)

I call bullshit, there is no Bigfoot in this segment. Assholes.

     C is for Cycle (directed and written by Ernesto Diaz Espinoza)

FUCKING TIME TRAVEL!!!

     D is for Dogfight (directed and written by Marcel Sarmiento)

A man LITERALLY fights a dog…in slow motion.

     E is for Exterminate (directed and written by Angela Bettis)

A man discovers a large black spider in his home. In an attempt to kill it, it escapes him and bites him on the back of the neck.

     F is for Fart (directed and written by Noboru Iguchi)

In Japan, a school girl likes farts. I don’t get it.

     G is for Gravity (directed and written by Andrew Traucki)

Surfboard + brick = boring

     H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion (directed and written by Thomas Malling)

Dogs and Nazis and science. OH MY!

     I is for Ingrown (directed and written by Jorge Michel Grau)

A man has a woman chained in a bathtub.

     J is for Jidai-geki (Samurai Movie) (directed and written by Yûdai Yamaguchi)

A Japanese man is about to kill another man but can’t stop laughing at the faces he is making.

     K is for Klutz (directed and written by Anders Morgenthaler)

A cartoon short about a woman fighting against killer poo. yep.

     L is for Libido (Directed and written by Timo Tjahjanto)

People are placed into a deadly jerk off contest.

     M is for Miscarriage (directed and written by Ti West)

A woman is shown after using a toilet. She attempts to flush it, but it doesn’t work.

     N is for Nuptials (directed and written by Banjong Pisanthanakun)

A man shows off his pet bird to an uninterested woman. He has trained it to do tricks and speak but the woman is not impressed.

     O is for Orgasm (directed and written by Bruno Forzani & Héléne Cattet)

It is exactly what it sounds like.

     P is for Pressure (directed and written by Simon Rumley)

A woman is shown caring for three children by prostituting herself. What’s a trick to do?

     Q is for Quack (directed and written by Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett)

The filmmakers themselves are shown speaking about the movie and trying to come up with ideas for a story with the letter Q.

     R is for Removed (directed and written by Srdjan Spasojevic)

A man attached to an IV has skin surgically removed from the his back which is then used to create 35 mm film.

     S is for Speed (directed and written by Jake West)

A woman with a gun leads another handcuffed woman through a building in the desert, pursued by a hooded man.

     T is for Toilet (directed and written by Lee Hardcastle)

The parents of a young boy wonder and argue why he fears the toilet. Claymation is fun.

     U is for Unearthed (directed and written by Ben Wheatley)

Something gets dug up and goes on a rampage.

     V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby) (directed and written by Kaare Andrews)

Future, cops, robots and psychic powers…rad.

     W is for WTF! (directed and written by Jon Schnepp)

A series of random and vulgar scenes, including the filmmakers deciding what to do with the letter W.

     X is for XXL (directed and written by Xavier Gens)

A middle-aged, overweight woman hates her body and takes matters into her own hands, very violently.

     Y is for Youngbuck (directed and written by Jason Eisener)

An old man teaches a boy to hunt and then I got uncomfortable.

     Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction) (directed and written by Yoshihiro Nishimura)

I couldn’t tell you what the hell was going on but I do know that someone gets hit with a massive dick.

I’m an idiot and watched The ABC’s of Death with the subtitles off so maybe some of the horror was lost on me but let me save you some time.

Go on YouTube and search A, C, D, I, L, Q, S, T, U and V.

I just made the Rob edit and it is awesome. You are welcome.

THE BEST:  Damn, do those Spaniards know how to time travel.

THE WORST: The Japanese suuuuuck. Is that racism or accuracy?

THE LINE: “I have been poisoning you for months and it was taking too long” -some lady

THE FINAL: 2 out of 5. Don’t sit through the whole thing. If you do, make sure it’s in english.

-Rob-

Star Trek Into Darkness

2009’s Star Trek was a revelation. Director J.J. Abrams took a brand that carried the stink of a worn out franchise and made it something that my Mom could talk to me about besides my stupid haircut. After raking in 400 million you knew there would be a sequel but would it honour the previous film series or continue to be original? Would we see Khan?? What a stupid question.

The crew of the Enterprise is back for another wacky adventure through space. Captain Kirk (Chris Pine), First Officer Spock (Zachary Quinto) and the rest of the gang are sent on a mission into enemy territory to capture a dangerous criminal whose name doesn’t matter but is played by Benedict Cumberbatch. Wrath of Khan pretty much ensues.

I started this forever ago when the movie was actually released and then forgot about it because I really wasn’t impressed or felt the urge to spew some hilariousness. “Why post anything at all if you don’t really have an opinion?” you might ask. Well I can’t exactly just throw away 12 minutes of work so here are some shitty joke thoughts.

– They could have called this movie Star Trek Into Plot Holes.

– J.J. Abrams must have reeeeeeally loved Robocop because Peter Weller is as awful as a high school substitute Drama teacher.

– Ben Cbatch’a name is revealed to be Khan which does not change his character, the plot, his motivation or the reactions of others…I hope I didn’t ruin the secret. Ha, sarcasm.

– There is a ridiculous subplot involving Uhura being a nagging girlfriend but that shit won’t fly with a Vulcan, gay ghost, super villain that eats people’s brains or something to gain their powers…or something…I think I might have just smashed a bunch of stuff together. Sigh.

– I am almost 100% positive that J.J. Abrams has seen the Internet so I ask you this: Does he put lens flares in the majority of the movie because he thinks it looks cool or does he do it because it is funny to him to piss off people who bitch online?

– People have chirped that sticking Alice Eve in her undies was unnecessary and sexist. I remember seeing green tits and Chris Pine’s tighty bulge in the first flick so shut it.

Uuuummmm The End?

THE BEST:  I wish Benedict Cumberbatch would solve the mystery of why I love him so much.

THE WORST: I have seen this movie before without lens flares.

THE LINE: “KHHAAANNNN!!!” -I don’t want to spoil anything

THE FINAL: 3 out of 5. They swapped humor for action and a Eric Bana for Sherlock Holmes. DO YOU SEE!

-Rob-